I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
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I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
and now we wait
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
My guardian angel deserves a raise
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”