My diet was going really well until I woke up.
You Might Also Like
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
OH. COME. ON.
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.