A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
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It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”