beware of dog
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Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
How funny!
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine