Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
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THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
respect
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
📽️movie date🎞️
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion