I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
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The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.