My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
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3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Word!
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
I’m putting together a team
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
Meow
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no