“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
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Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*