if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
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Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.