me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
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This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.