Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
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they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.