Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
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[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
going to the ER y’all need anything
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
Boy never ceases to amaze me
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
This rocks
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind