“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
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waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.