When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
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Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
This is always good for a laugh.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best