If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
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13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
Traveler’s camo
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler