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[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.