I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
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[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
Blew out my flip flop…
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.