Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
You Might Also Like
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”