“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
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Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
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Me: Same
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*