bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
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sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry