”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
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I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
No, YOUR illiterate.
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?