I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
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Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
seems fine
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey