Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
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My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.