*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
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Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here