Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
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My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.