“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
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the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
mmm onion ringos
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.