*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
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cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
Speak now or ever hold your peace
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.