I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
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“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
They got Raph!
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no