Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
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[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
I’ve had relationships like this
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok