Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
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this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
I just tested negative for patience.
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
When you “pspspsp” too hard
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job