Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
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I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
welp
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”