Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
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if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
Life cycle of cat
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
When he asks for feet pics