I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
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High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”