My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
You Might Also Like
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
@funTweeters
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
Do not steal food from the science building!
mom had nothing to worry about
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second