I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
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You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them