Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
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When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.