😅🤣😂
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Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
This is amazing.
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
We have a winner.
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.