*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
You Might Also Like
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
mariah carrie
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet