I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
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Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
Now, where’s the sport in that?
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams