*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
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Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
broke down and did it
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.