*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
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GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
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