Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
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Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me