So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
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My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
⚠️ Important Reminder:
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
Practicing safe sax
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese