SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
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I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.