A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
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Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
A dead goose is called a ghoost
Me too, bag. Me too….
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.