It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
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Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
Breaking news:
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?