If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
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Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
Brilliant!
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
My favorite type of men is ramen.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
#MeanwhileInCanada
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
lol
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall