Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
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Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”