Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
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COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours