No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
You Might Also Like
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other